BLUES CLUES


I was depressed.


I've faced depression before, but never like the wave of depression that overtook my body last semester.


I've been depressed, but still able to function.


Still able to wake up to take showers, brush my teeth, go to class and be somewhat active.


Still able to interact with people who know me and not have them suspect that anything was wrong.


But Fall 2019, this depression hit differently.


Unable to move at times I found myself losing 11 pounds because I couldn't find the energy to make it to my kitchen from my bed.


Only leaving my house to go to class when I felt like it.


I cried all of the time. The most I have ever cried in my life. Waking up from my sleep and crying instantly at like 5am. Before I could even process what day of the week it was, tears would start falling down my face.


Finding myself failing all of my courses at one point in the semester.


Packing all of my stuff up to move back home, giving up on myself.


When I found myself sitting across from my psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with " a generalized anxiety disorder and major depression.", the major depression really took me by surprise.


It's not like I didn't know that I was unhappy and something was off, but hearing it brought me back to reality in a sense.


My study abroad experience is partially to "blame". I mean after I came back from that, everything seemed so wrong.


It's like I've always dreamed of being in an environment where people see life the way I see it, and get the human connection I've been craving since freshman year.


So when I went to Ghana and found all of that and more, I was overfilled with joy. But knowing that there was a place like that out there and I was stuck here, sucked.


I had an identity crisis and realized that I needed to find myself away from school because it's not even something I care about like that, yet it's tied to all of my major accomplishments.


I decided on the day I was supposed to move back home and switch schools to stick it out. I didn't want to, but I felt like I had to.


Currently, I am not as depressed at all and I am thankful to say that I am in a better place.


I'm picking up the pieces of my life that fell apart last semester.


Pick up yours, you'll be okay.



Love Always,


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© 2018 by ChristinaJaneP All Rights Reserved.