Updated: Dec 11, 2018
I spent the entire summer before junior year trying to convince my mother to let me switch schools. Being that I already switched schools and it was my decision, she was not having it. She didn't really understand that I had no way of knowing that the environment would be as toxic as it was for me. I mean I even threatened to just not go to school, but with the goals I have to reach, unfortunately, that was not a realistic option.
I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt as uncomfortable as I have been at this school, at any other school. I have NEVER felt so alone either. Before transferring here, I was always with a group of people both inside and outside of school. I’m talking about from the time I first stepped foot in an educational institution in Pre-K, to my junior year. You would never see me walking alone in the halls.
Connecting with people at school was never really a problem for me. Until now.
As much as I didn’t talk to anyone at this school, you’d be surprised how many new things I heard about myself on the daily. I mean the pettiness level of some of my classmates towards me was on 100. I even had 2 girls on two different occasions post my picture on their own personal social media sites with a full-blown paragraph underneath talking sh!t about me.
This stuff was constant.
It seems like something so little and petty, but what if I wasn't strong enough during that time? What if those pictures were the last straw for me? It's always "what if" right?
Nobody really thinks about the consequences of their actions until its too late.
This school is actually the reason why my anxiety came out in the first place. I just started being so anxious about going to school in general. I did not feel comfortable at this school and around my surroundings. Every day when I woke up, I knew exactly what was waiting for me through those double doors, and it wasn't positivity.
I actually remember just going to the bathroom one day and crying in a bathroom stall. I was the only one in there of course. This was the first and only time I allowed myself to be so down about the way I felt, but my battle with anxiety is a story for another day.
I was constantly told by my peers that I thought I was better than everyone. I even had one guy tell me that when he first met me, he didn't like me because I seemed like the type of girl who sat in the back of the class and judged everybody.
This was hard for me to grasp simply because every person who repeatedly said I thought I was better than everyone, ALL had the same opportunities as me. The difference between me and the next person is that I chose to take advantage of those opportunities. Oops.
As far as that guy's comment goes, I still think about it till this day because it really is the story of my life. People always portray me to be a certain way, until they actually take the time to talk to me. Which most people didn't do of course.
I think my biggest problem with the kids at this school is that they're okay with being loud and ignorant, and just don’t care about the things that matter. It is beyond frustrating to be in an environment like that when you do care.
It’s like they don’t realize that there is life after high school. They think everything is a joke. This was clear to me when some of the biggest school shootings in this country were occurring, and they had nothing but jokes to make about the situation. Like they are somehow immune to the worse that can happen.
Being that I have always been a little bit more mature than kids my age, I just find it annoying and childish. I believe that there is a time to joke and laugh and a time to be serious. But they obviously don’t know the difference.
You know, they say a lot of people reach their peak in high school... I believe it.
Usually, I’m pretty good at just ignoring the ignorant, but these kids were a different breed.
Are these the kind of people I was supposed to have the "best 4 years of my life" with?
It’s crazy to think that the reason I transferred here in the first place was because I wanted to transition from a preppy, white school to what I thought would be a more diverse environment in terms of race, acceptance, and overall openness.
This school turned out to be nothing like I imagined.
The “diversity” I was looking for turned out to be a school filled with wannabe ghetto kids who just didn’t care about their lives or the world in general.
Of course not EVERY single kid at the school was like that, but I like to speak on the majority.
I went from that student who was heavily involved in school activities to not even wanting to step foot in the school building. I leaned more towards extracurriculars outside of school, or that were not affiliated with the school period.
In addition to the students, I think there was a real problem with the staff in general just not genuinely caring. They were simply there to collect a paycheck and that was very evident on many occasions towards me personally.
I feel like I was screwed over multiple times in getting help with reaching my goals. I would sit in these one-on-one meetings where I did nothing but outline my aspirations for the year, and yet I never really received the help I needed. All I got was signatures on paperwork instead and attitude whenever I expressed an issue that was going on.
That is when I knew that I was going to have to be myself’s biggest advocate at this school if I was going to get anywhere.
I stopped talking to the "leaders" at my school and started going directly to the department of whatever program I was trying to get into, or had a concern about, and introduced myself to the head coordinators there.
After all, if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself right.
Now, I am not the kind of person who blames everything on the external factors surrounding me. I always take a good look at myself as well and see where maybe I am lacking as an individual, or might be the problem in this situation. Basically, I spent the entire time of my junior year blaming myself for the lack of connections I was making at this school. My RBF certainly didn’t help either.
I will admit that on my end I could’ve made more of an effort to approach people in conversation first my sophomore year, but by the end of the year, I just didn’t care to. Like I said, I was starting to be over the school and the kids in it.
But honestly, I realized that it wasn’t my fault and completely on me. Once you try a certain number of times, you stop caring about trying and start caring about just living your life and getting through. You start to not care about what people think.
Eventually, I started to be content with being by myself a lot of the time because I just found most of the kids at this school to be extremely irritating. I think it got to a point where honestly I got so comfortable being myself that it became dangerous. I literally went EVERYWHERE by myself and I didn’t even really want to be around people like that ever, even outside of school.
Again, I went from always being with someone no matter what I was doing to being completely alone by choice.
Not to get what I am saying confused, there is nothing wrong with being alone. We all need our alone time. But for me, I started enjoying my own company to the point where I didn't even want to hang out with my outside friends anymore. For me, my "alone time" became more than just a time period that I needed to myself, it was pure comfort masked by isolation......