I have abandonment issues, and I'm sensitive.
Two characteristics that a month ago, I wouldn't have been able to admit.
I take friendships very seriously. I don't just go over anyone's home. Invite anyone to come into my living space. Invite people to take up space in my heart. No, I learned not to do that a long time ago.
So when I do, and I start to care about your well-being genuinely. And I give you little pieces of my life while you give me little pieces of yours...then nothing. That hurts me. The friendship doesn't continue to grow; we stop texting, hanging out; I feel like I'm chasing you down just for an explanation on where you went? That hurts me more than you will ever understand. I think about it for weeks, even months. I will never let it go until I get the chance to tell you just how much it hurt me. That hurt turns into resentment.
And yes. You might be fighting a battle unknown to me, but I thought we fought battles together? Or at the very least, we talk it out. Is that what friendship is?
It reminds me why I'm so introverted these days, why I keep to myself. Why I don't let my problems known. Why I don't like to get to know people anymore, it's depressing quite frankly.
But remember... I'm hella self-aware. I try not to do to others what I hate done to me. If you feel like I ghosted you, it's never intentionally. Sometimes I feel people clinging for my friendship, but I don't see a friend in them, so I push away. How do I explain that to you without hurting your feelings?
Sometimes I want to build a friendship, but I feel like they already have their people. Or there's qualities I peep that I know wouldn't make for a successful friendship, so I let it go and settle for that acquaintance role I hate so very much. Because honestly, do we know each other or not?
So this is where I am with friendships. I'm tired of trying to build them. They take energy, care, and the biggest toll on my mental health. If I'm not in physical proximity with the almost friends I've made, it's so hard for me to keep in touch and get sad because I don't want them to think I forgot about them. It's just overwhelming. All this for some company & "support"? God, there has to be another way.
And no, I'm not having newfound self-awareness.
Let's just say my therapy sessions have been eye-opening lately.