Updated: Dec 11, 2018
I'm gonna call this one "Peacefully Drowning" because in the midst of everything I'm going through, I still have this weird kind of peace inside of me that I can't explain. I still see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel lost.
Not the kind of lost that involves contemplating with future career paths, questioning why I'm in college, or who I am.
But lost in myself, my thoughts, my reason for even existing.
Establishing genuine friendships, dealing with my anxiety, concentration issues, and having no emotional or financial support from my family, have all contributed to this unforeseen diagnosed season of depression I’ve been facing.
I love my school and I love college in general, but it’s a lot to deal with alone.
I don’t feel like myself a lot of the time and that’s a scary feeling.
I feel like I’m meeting the same people in different bodies.
Having the same conversations that hold no substance to them.
Going through the motions of every day without actually taking anything in...
& living just to live.
I'm surrounded by all these people who are able to call home to vent, and there's this part of me that doesn't understand why I just don’t and never have had that same support.
I call home when I want to feel more discouraged because that's the only thing my family is good for.
When I try to take the steps to make my situation better, I get set ten more steps back.
When I find the courage to open up, people never fail to make me instantly regret it.
I'm tired, bruised and broken on the inside.
& everything I just described is only 10% of it.
I created this blog to strengthen my transparency, yet I still find myself holding back on the events that are taking place in my life out of fear.
Fear that it will create even more chaos in my family.
Fear that I'll be looked at different.
And fear that once it's out, I'll wish I never hit "Publish".
Fear (n): an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.
But really... what am I in danger of?
I said I still see light at the end of the tunnel.
That's because for every day I feel down, I still see my "whys"
For every doubt that is cast my way, I get motivated to work harder.
& for every "no", I've always shown why it should have been a yes.
I had an amazing first half of the year, so by the grace of God, I will have a happy ending to 2018.
By then, I hope I won't be living just to live.