Pill-Popping Princess

Today I woke up and I popped 3 pills.

The 3 pills I've been taking for the past three months that are responsible for my spurts of happiness.

The pills that make my happy moments a little bit more happier because my endorphins last longer.

The pills that are responsible for "curing my depression and anxiety".

There's quotation marks around the phrase because if you've ever had depression &/or anxiety then you know that it actually never goes away. It just lingers around you waiting for the worse time possible to appear again.

I was one of those people who was heavily opposed to ever taking any kind of medicine for mental health issues, but my anxiety got so bad last semester I literally didn't have a choice.

Quitting all of my organizations, and leaving my room only for one class and to go to my therapist's office, my body was no longer my own.

Not feeling like myself is honestly an understatement because I can't even began to describe what I felt, but I can try.

It's like I lost my purpose for life, my enthusiasm to wake up every morning, my smile faded everyday until eventually it was just gone. Whew, what a time.

So if popping pills everyday is what it took to get me "back to normal." then hell popping pills is what I would do. I was desperate.

Now imagine me trying to explain why I have to take medication to my Haitian parents lol. That was a task in itself. After going through what I went through last semester I decided to be more open and that meant with family members. Partly because at this point in my life I've already been at my lowest, so I really don't have anything to lose.

We talk about the stigmas associated with mental health in the black community all the time, but it becomes so much more real when you have to go through it personally and try to explain it. People really do not get it unless they go through it and that's unfortunate.

The few times I've tried to explain myself which never includes the medication part I get a "Don't take any pills. You'll just get addicted to them and they want to make money off of you."

Do you honestly think the people going through their struggle care about the money? They just want help in any way they can get it.

As this post comes to an end, I'm shocked. I thought my fingers would be shaking through this entire thing, but they aren't.

I'm okay. Maybe it's the pills lol. See y'all tomorrow, God-willing.

Love Always,


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